Undoing, the hardest part of creativity.

I have spent the last three days tearing down the big shed building I helped build on our barn 42 years ago. The roof was leaking, the sills were rotten.
So many memories are wrapped up in that farm. Dad has been gone almost 4 years, now. I'm glad he didn't have to see it torn down. He built it to last and it didn't go down without a fight. Galvanized nails are stubborn things.
Along with the barn, we are taking down the English Walnut tree that has grown too big. It was hanging over the garage and dropping huge wads of heavy, wet leaves every fall. The trunk was about 24" in diameter, it was 35 feet tall and as wide, and I estimate it was 75 years old. I convinced the logger to cut the lower trunk into 4" slabs that I can mill into lumber later. They will dry in the barn for a year or so. The rest is becoming fire wood.
Such is the cycle of life.

Time flies.

Two years have flown by. The puppy is now a lovely, full grown dog. The daughters are graduated, employed and/or continuing their education.

After four years of searching, I finally found a doctor who believes this is auto-immune disease and helped me find a drug that is working. My joints still ache but I have more energy and less muscle pain.

Another summer has come and gone. This winter is about clearing out and reshuffling the rooms of our house. Sewing room goes downstairs, office upstairs. A guest room goes in the office. I might even get the basement bathroom finished.

Given my upbringing, I'm never satisfied. The "to do" list has no end. But, I know no other way.

Good medicine

I have wanted a Doberman all my life. Finally, after two years of searching, I found the perfect pup. Not only is she beautiful, she's smart, funny and willing. At 15 weeks of age, she already understands sit and down.

To my surprise, I began sleeping better just having her in the room with me. She makes me get up in the morning at a regular time which I'm sure will also improve my sleep habits. And her need to exercise gets me out of the house, too.

Of course, she's like any toddler, everything goes in the mouth. So far, nothing irreplaceable but I watch her like a hawk.

I look forward to a long and happy relationship.

Racing Time

I have spent the past three months racing the weather and the arthritis. Neither race can, ultimately, be won. But, I have finished some outdoor projects I'd been saving for "when I feel better." Now, I know, that is not going to happen. So, I work as best I can and hire help when I must. It's hard to give up being able.

The gift I have given myself is a new puppy. I've wanted this breed for many years and I decided it was now or never. She will keep me moving even when I'd rather not.

I have not given up the fight. I found out I'm allergic to eggs. They have been a mainstay of my diet since I developed gout two years ago. It's been a month since I gave them up and I can tell no difference. I'll give it a couple more months but if it does not help I'm going back to them. I just got a small flock of chickens! How's that for irony?

Timing is everything

Yes, it's "my" time. My time to have fibromyalgia and erosive osteoarthritis in my hands. Whose universe is this, anyway?

Picking a path

Once I establish that "this is my time." What should I choose to do with it? Having too many options can be overwhelming. It's like being a kid in a candy store with only enough coins in my pocket for one piece!

The Question I'm Asking Now.

What do I need to do so that, at the end, I feel I have led a fulfilled life?

Our children are leaving the nest. My body is slowing down. Retirement is yet 10 years away.

How do I want these middle years to play out? How much control do I really have over it all? I feel as if I move from one urgency to another. Other people still have first call on my time and energy. How do I say no, this is my time?

I have no answers, yet.